On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
You Might Also Like
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.