Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
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Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
That 👊
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?