{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*weighs self after shaving
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?