When can I start eating bats again.
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”