I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
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I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
me logging onto twitter
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping