wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
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Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
CUTE CAT‼︎
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.