People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation