Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
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Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Sell your car
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that