Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
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My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Happy Febuary everyone!
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.