Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Mouse
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes