Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me