Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
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ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never