hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
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Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Okay
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.