Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
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Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.