Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
mechanics be like
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My blood type is coffee.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!