Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
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Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?