You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
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If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.