Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn