“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.