Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
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son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.