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*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.