From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
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me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]