that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Oh yeah that’s it
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute