My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
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-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
the short answer to this question
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?