*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago