If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
never deleting this app.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
@funTweeters
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies