HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
You Might Also Like
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK