Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
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*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.