Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.