Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I enjoy a good short stor
Me, reading some of your tweets
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*