Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
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Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
this FaceApp is creepy af
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
My blood type is coffee.
What’s a Messi?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast