As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
This hospital has everything
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.