Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
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me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
me as a parent
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.