I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Planet of the Apps.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please