On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
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Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.