Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
You Might Also Like
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
A small tragedy.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
The options really are this bad
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
cyclists
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met