(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
You Might Also Like
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..