Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
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Pizza is an emotion right?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.