customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
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There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.