me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
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@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins