first you must answer his riddles
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I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Just a friendly reminder!
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding