I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
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[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me :
All Day At Night
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?