My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
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Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes