A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
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The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
work smarter, not harder
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch