Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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WTF
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
That’s fair
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
But wait…
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on