Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
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I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner