[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
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When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol