Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.