Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
What about a To-Don’t List?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised