me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
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My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Lmao the reply
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.